The Northman - Cheap Thoughts

For nothing else Robert Egger commits to the bit, whatever work of supernatural historical fiction he is working on, it feels like you are being transported back to that time and place. The Northman is the latest in this line, with vicious, animalistic Vikings who seek bloodshed, honour and kinship. Half the time you will not understand the words being spoken due to their archaic dialect, and yet every emotion is felt with such ferocity, everything that needs to be understood will be.

This commitment doesn’t just lie within the violence, but within every fibre of its being. The cultures being represented, the dialogue being spoken, the outfits and make-up on the actors. There is no shame even in the more ridiculous parts because why should there be? This may be a film being shown to 21^st century audiences but it does not act like it is. This is a retelling of these people and their rituals and their lifestyle, it shall not compromise itself for your modern sensibilities, either come along for the ride or get off.

That being said, the plot itself is relatively easy to follow even if the presentation does not always act like it is. It is a simple revenge tale supposedly based off of real world events, but has been adapted and influenced multiple times across the past thousand years many people can catch on simply due to osmosis. If you’ve seen Hamlet, The Count of Monte Cristo or The Lion King, chances are you will understand this plot with ease, and can simply be carried by the immaculate vibes of the production.

To list everything good about The Northman is to simply list everything about it, every actor gives wonderful performances, no one holds back, they bare their bodies and souls quite literally for the sake of the film. The visuals are gloriously spectacular, the camera is slow and methodical for most of the picture, it is unnerving with its movements, and yet has such an aggression during the action scenes, there is a dynamism to every frame, in simple terms it is a very cool looking movie even when it’s not trying to be.

It is rare a treat for someone like Eggers to be given such a large film, it is an epic in every sense of the word and few films are like it. Many historical epics still feel the need to modernise themselves for the sake of audiences desires, which is certainly not a bad thing, there is a place for them, but to have such an authentic feeling experience on the big screen on a large budget is a treat that should not be taken lightly. Egger’s prior films also had this authenticity, but they were on the smaller scale forced onto them if they wished to exist.

The Northman combines the best of all features. A basic plot, a unique vision and a strong emotional thread to carry the film. Those three things fused offer one hell of a picture, you’re sure to leave the film with your adrenaline pumping and ready to fight your mortal enemy by the gates of Hel, and if you don’t have a mortal enemy, by Odin’s beard you’ll wish you did.

-Danny

The Lost City - Cheap Thoughts

It’s hard to not route for a comedic adventure flick. They exist purely to entertain the eyes of every family member. They are harmless, light-hearted and joyful. They’re also somewhat of a rarity these days as audiences can allow their irony poisoned minds and cynical perspective to want to bully and mock them, despite them being one of the oldest genres cinema has to offer. The Lost City is not entirely immune to this, there is a level of self-awareness and winking to the audience as if to say we’re all in on the joke, but the film shines best when it doesn’t rely on that. When it allows the natural comedy and charisma of its leads hold up the film, which is what they do. It’s rather impressive considering where Channing Tatum started out in his career where Hollywood wanted to make him the next cool and badass pretty boy, and yet he truly shines best when he gets to play the imperfect yet enigmatic golden retrievers, and this film sees him as both of those. Lampooning his initial presentation yet highlighting that likeable goofball energy he exudes in works such as the Jump Street films or Hail Ceasar! Which is not to say he doesn’t work great in other roles such as Magic Mike and Foxcatcher, but it’s clear this is his peak as the well-meaning, clumsy himbo.

The same can be said for Daniel Radcliffe who is eating it up as the villain, he has spent the last decade riding that Harry Potter money and committing himself to weird, loud and inscrutable characters across a variety of films. In this case the 2-Dementional adventure serial bad guy, a shallow egomaniac who behaves more like a spoilt brat than a business tycoon and Radcliffe is enjoying every moment of it.

To save Sandra Bullock for last might make it seem like she brings the least to the film and while this is technically true as she acts as the straight man against these grown children, it should never be undervalued the talents of a good straight man. Bullock has been playing these type of characters for several decades now, she slips into them with ease and she is always a delight to watch on screen.

Beyond the leads there is not much else to the film, it has a standard story, basic visuals and sometimes groan worthy supporting cast, but it is aware of what it is, sometimes too much so. It is light, fluffy entertainment that shall be consumed for brief joy and moved on with. It is a sugary snack of a film, which we need from time to time.

-Danny

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 - Cheap Thoughts

It’s strange how audiences can book end a pandemic between the two Sonic the Hedgehog movies. This is despite the fact the pandemic has not actually ended but everyone is acting like it is cause we’re all bored of it and are pretending everything has gone back to normal. With that being said, has Sonic the Hedgehog 2 learnt anything in that time and changed their approach to telling these stories? Well, yes but…that’s a very soft yes.

For one thing the franchise no longer seems as afraid to commit to the brand as it was in the prior film, the majority of the focus is on the Sonic characters and the film originals (I.e., The Humans) receive far less screentime than they did in the prior instalment. To be fair this is an issue that has played the Sonic franchise across all media, they never seem to catch on that-excluding Robotnik-no one cares about human characters in Sonic, that’s not what they want to see, they want to see cartoon animals with superpowers go on adventures and fight each other, which this film certainly delivers on. Infamously the original film had an awful character design for a “realistic Sonic” and only after fan backlash did they commit to a more faithful design, but it was clear it was too late to change the rest of the film to fit a more cartoonish tone. This time round we mainly follow Sonic (Ben Shwartz) and Tails (Colleen O'Shaughnessey) go on a globe trotting adventure against Knuckles (Idris Elba) and a redesigned and more faithful Dr Robotnik (Jim Carrey), with the humans intentionally being sent off on vacation to be absent for most of the picture.

So with this lesson seemingly being learnt, why on Earth did the creators decide to commit most of the 3^rd act to following exclusively the human characters? Had they really not learnt their lesson? No one cares about whatshernames wedding or the whatchamacallit cop, they are not interesting characters, and they certainly don’t offer anything in terms of legitimate comedy, when all they do is pull silly faces and make pop-culture references. An extended sequence of Rachel (Natasha Rothwell) who if you need to be reminded is the protagonists parental figure’s sister…so as deep into tertiary characters as you can get, has a dedicated 10 minutes of the film exclusively following her, her wedding and her relationship, when none of the actual main characters are present, and this has nothing to do with the main plot, was there no one in the room to point out in this 2 hour movie that literally not a single audience member gives a damn about this character or their relationships?

Of course this is not the only unfunny sequence of the film, because the entirety of the film lacks any sense of comedic talent being present in the writing process, where nearly every single joke consists of solely pop-culture references. Not making any witty observations or pastiches, but just acknowledging when something is like Batman, or Ghostbusters, or name-dropping Oprah or Dwayne Johnson because people recognise these things and that is the entirety of the joke. The blame here is entirely on the writers because much of this cast have done good comedy work before, and the problems with the script don’t stop there.

Yet again the writers feel the need to baby their audience by spelling out every lesson, arc or change in case the 3-year-old on their iPad was confused on what was happening. Early in the film Sonic’s arc is established of trying to become a hero, but to do so he will have to make a truly selfless action, which they refer to as “his moment” and several times in the film when any progress in his arc is made, he points it out by verbalising “This is my moment”. Seriously, show even the slightest bit of respect for your audience, they will understand what a character arc is, it’s a plot for a Sonic the Hedgehog movie, it is very basic and easy to understand and predict, they did not need it spelling out for them.

To keep it blunt, as it’s what this film would prefer, Sonic The Hedgehog 2 is…better than the original. The focus is mainly on the right characters, the tone and story are better suited for it, but better does not translate to good, and unless they actually get some competent writers behind these films I don’t think they ever will be, because they seem contempt with offering some of the laziest, pandering and unfunny scripts possible for these films.

-Danny

Turning Red - Cheap Thoughts

Puberty sucks. It sucks for everyone, the only thing that could make it infinitely worse is if you transformed into a giant monster at the sign of any strong emotion so…good thing teenagers don’t experience any of that. Turning Red is built on a lot of foundations that have come before in other Pixar/Disney films, a rebellious teenager who goes against her parents wishes for the sake of her own identity, face off against many obstacles, the main of which being their own internal dilemma taking a physical manifestation. Yet fewer Disney films take such an analytical approach to the subject matter as Turning Red does. The act of rebellion is not just an act for the sake of it, but it is one built up out of a burning desire to be one’s own person, even when that person goes against their own parents’ ideal version of oneself. Our main character Mei (Rosalie Chiang) is not necessarily lying to her parents in who she is, the part they see is still a part of her, but that active repression of her other side that she gets to be with her friends makes it an escape from a family that requires all the success but offers none of the trust. We were all different with our friends than we were our families, in some ways that felt more like the real version of us, and if that’s not something you relate to then really question what kind of childhood you had.

The film also allows Pixar to experiment more with their own animation style. Truth be told Pixar have always felt weightier and more realistic on their designs and animation. This has allowed for some truly breath-taking and impressive looking films but is limiting in the opportunities provided by the medium of animation. Turning Red is expressive, it’s rubbery, it’s exaggerated and all in the favour of creating one of (if not) the most visually hilarious films Pixar have ever made. It’s certainly a shame that the three latest Pixar films which all happen to be some of their most creative, smart and emotionally nuanced films have all been straight to streaming, when the inarguable cash grab that will be Lightyear still receives the theatrical release. Pixar are one of the few major studios that still make original features that appeal to broader audiences, it’s saddening to see their work be relegated like this.

Turning Red is going to mean a lot to a lot of people, it’s a subject matter that can be connected with and rarely gets discussed this deeply, and yet it never loses its sense of personal identity. In the broader scale this is a story of a teenager struggling with their identity between their friends and their family. On a personal scale it is still the story of a 13-year-old Chinese Canadian girl hitting puberty and anyone who can connect to any of those nouns, this is a unique experience of seeing themselves in a major motion picture, and no one can take that away.

-Danny

The Batman - Cheap Thoughts

There is always far too much to say about a Batman movie, contextualizing it within the grander scheme of the superhero genre, the DC (Sometimes shared) Cinematic Universe and just the Batman franchise as a whole is a very exhausting task. Despite often being portrayed as the darkest and grittiest of all the dark and gritty superheroes, Batman is possibly the most versatile in tone that you can get. There is room for all interpretations, for the realistic crime dramas of the Nolan films, to the gothic arthouses of the Burton films and the absurdist comedy of the 60s film or LEGO Batman. To describe one version as “understanding Batman” is a vague and unhelpful term, there is no one Batman, but there will always be another Batman.

The Batman offers up a delectable meal of a film, it is visually stunning in every matter, the production design of James Chinlund presents Gotham of a cesspool of corrupt power-hungry men forcing the crowded disenfranchised into a life of crime or poverty while also creating the exact world a Batman can both feed on and be needed for. Director Matt Reeves and DoP Greig Fraser know the importance of bringing a new angle to the character in a very literal sense by presenting the action from perspectives we have not scene before. Not quite as dramatic as Burton, or as realistic as Nolan, but a nice in-between point. The cast is all top notch performances but the highlights are easily Robert Pattinson in the lead and Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman, these two beautiful gothic drama queens who are as violent as they are horny, functioning on the same wave length making them arguably the best pairing of the two we’ve ever seen. The only exception to this stellar cast is sadly Paul Dano who seems to have fallen into the trope of thinking shouting at the top of your lungs is the same as character acting. Colin Farrell may be chewing the scenery, but at least he’s munching on the scenery for the film he’s in, Dano seems to think he’s in a very different film than everyone else.

Running at roughly 3 hours it’s easy for the film to become somewhat convoluted in its story, by which it seems the film begins by asking a question and by the end is answering a completely different one. Bruce Wayne is a non-existent character, he has committed himself fully to being The Batman, and it is that denial of this part of his identity that acts as the initial character arc set up, Bruce ignoring his Wayne heritage and the weight that legacy holds comes back to bite him, and yet this never goes onto be solved, despite many negative consequences coming because of it. Instead the film answers what the importance of Batman is, how he best functions and what his relationship is with Gotham…okay, but you didn’t ask that, you asked how important is Bruce Wayne compared to the Batman (Turns out, very important) and you didn’t give any kind of solution.

To discuss this film fully in detail would be both spoiler heavy and also require a lot of energy to discuss, so let’s just leave it at this. The Batman is a good film, it is however, just another Batman film. It does not do enough to prove why another interpretation was needed, and it becomes so indulgent in a mystery that ultimately did not matter that it does not earn its run time. It is a technically well-made film with great performances but loses itself along a very long path.

-Danny

Uncharted - Cheap Thoughts

It’s hard to be excited for a feature when the disingenuous nature of its existence is presented right in its male lead. Nathan Drake is not the most complicated character in videogame history, really any white man with an obnoxious yet charming charisma could play him, and throw a stone in any direction in Hollywood and you’ll hit an actor with that exact persona. Thus the casting of Tom Holland shows right from the beginning this was never about faithful adaptation, but name recognition. The celebrity draw might be a smaller pool than it once was, but Holland is definitely a name that draws younger audiences, and he’s certainly provides plenty of entertainment to the screen, he is more the awkward funny man who thankfully is able to perform his own stunts than he is a Nathan Drake fit. Not to mention he has permanent baby face forcing this to be an origin story meaning the rest of the cast has to be infantilize along with it. Mark Wahlberg as Sully only solidifies this as name brand casting rather than accuracy, and just slap the Uncharted name on for brand recognition.

Uncharted as a videogame franchise was always more heavily targeted towards entertaining characters and big spectacle action scenes. What made it work was the talents of Amy Hennig’s direction and the wonderful chemistry of the cast as characters with established relationships who know each other well. So having that all undone with an entirely new cast all of whom don’t know each other so there are no established bonds and thus a lot of hesitancy and betrayal amongst the ensemble and there is so much back and forth of characters working together, betraying each other, working together again, all switching between them like a light. Trust is the theme of the day with this film, with its protagonist Nathan Drake (Tom Holland) being the only one willing to trust everyone as he’s new to the treasure hunting business while everyone else betrays one another with every other blink and hopefully along the way they’ll learn to trust except they don’t. These alliances change so rapidly with no clear momentum being built on who is friends with who that in the end people trust or don’t trust one another simply because the script says so, with no clear reason for the characters because no relationship is consistent enough to build a rapport.

As for the bombastic action scenes, likewise it is something that is lost but that is more due to changing of mediums. People have often said that Uncharted would work well as a film but truly that is only because structurally there is nothing too solidified in videogames as the only medium these stories could be told, however the spectacle is where it specialised. It’s one thing to watch Tom Holland on a green screen pretending to be thrown from a plane, it’s another thing entirely for you the audience to be the one thrown from a plane as you’re the controller of the narrative. That type of immediate empathy created so rapidly that only videogames can is what made Uncharted a success. You weren’t watching these great adventures, you were the one experiencing it.

Not to say films can’t have that kind of spectacle, they very much can, and this film had that opportunity, but sadly it was squandered. If Venom proved anything it’s that Ruben Fleischer is a mediocre director at best, but absolutely not someone who can properly handle a blockbuster size film. Considering the climax of the film has an absolutely absurd yet entertaining setting for an action scene, with the wonderfully talented Chung-hoon Chung as Director of Photography and a lead actor who famously does his own stunts and yet it is such a dull, lifeless and poorly sequenced action scene, as most of them are.

There is no spectacle to be found in this adventure film, no charisma to the found in its cast, no purpose in adapting this property. It is a soulless cash-grab so elegantly designed to grab as much of said cash as possible, if only it put that much effort into making a good film.

-Danny

Marry Me - Cheap Thoughts

How nostalgic. A simple mid-budget rom-com starring two decently popular celebrities in hopes of entertaining audiences for just under 2 hours, a staple of a bygone era. Even giving itself the increased absurdity of its premise, Marry Me is a charming romp that fulfils the basic desires sought out within its genre. Owen Wilson and Jennifer Lopez have decent chemistry even if it’s a relationship that is intentionally tricky to pull off, they are meant to be from “completely different worlds and not fit together except surprisingly they do” and that’s actually pulled off quite well without question. The majority of the film consists of scenes with them simply bonding and building this slow relationship from the absurd starting point as they get to know each other, better each other and make on another happy as all healthy relationships should do.

That starting point if you’re unaware is that J-Lo plays an international celebrity (So herself) who was supposed to marry her equally famous partner live during a concert, however he is caught cheating minutes before, so in a state of panic, humiliation, and confusion, she picks out a random member of the audience to marry him instead. That man just happens to be our leading boy Owen Wilson, a social media hermit who has no idea who she is, he was only in attendance for the sake of his preteen daughter, and him also now being thrust into a state of confusion goes along with it and they will try to build a relationship from there, so she doesn’t seem too insane to the general public. If you can accept that wildly silly premise, then you’re likely in for a charming time.

Despite tonally being very inline with a 2000s romcom, it does still take a modern approach with its story, very aware of the presence of social media in our everyday lives, and how much of pop-culture is centred around it. It has the power to turn an average joe into an international celebrity overnight entirely by accident, but it also becomes something you are chained too and can dictate how you run your life, you’re not actually living your life for you, you live it for the views. Wilson’s character not being online makes him somewhat of a modern-day caveman considering how little he knows about pop-culture and how social interactions has changed. The film doesn’t delve too deep into this para-social nightmare, that’s not it’s place, it uses it as a tool to show the difference of worlds Wilson and Lopez lives.

It’s cute. What else could you want? A charming film for Valentine’s Day to guarantee you’ve got something romantic planned.

-Danny